I needed this weekend.
A break from work.
A break from emails.
A break from text messages (or stressing over a lack thereof..)
A break from life...
I went camping out in the Catskills with N and his family, and it was so much fun. They go every year, and N invited me last year when we were kinda fooling around, and when that stopped, despite our ongoing friendship, I was sure that that would be the first and last, but two weeks ago, he invited me along again, and I was so glad he did.
He had been studying for his boards for the last three months or so, so I really hadn't had a chance to see him very much lately. Plus, he was dating someone semi-seriously, and relationships take up a lot of time, so I was looking forward to hanging out with him again. He came and picked me up in his CR-V and we were off to the mountains...
During the two and a half hour drive up, we had a chance to catch up. Turns out he recently broke up with his girlfriend of almost a year, and she wasn't taking it very well. On top of that, he was already talking to another girl who had just moved into the area... we laughed it off, cause that's what we do, and just then, Taio Cruz's 'Break Ya Heart' came on the radio.
"This is our song" I said semi-jokingly.
"I guess it is." He replied.
But he was upset about the break up too. He said that the reason was because he didn't see it going anywhere. She didn't give him any reason to want to spend the rest of his life with just her. And to many of you, this may sound very callous and harsh, but I agree with him. Why continue to invest time and emotions into a relationship that you don't see working out? It's not that he didn't try, he did, he gave her a chance and explored the potential of a marriage... but he just didn't feel it. He didn't see the white picket fence with her in the future. But while he felt this way, he could tell that she was getting more and more attached. So he broke up with her... not with the intention of breaking her heart, but because he knew it would be easier to do it now, than to do it later. He didn't want to lead her on, he didn't want to be a bad guy... but that's just the way it turned out..
And it made me re-evaluate my situation with E. He's so afraid of getting hurt, and as much as I want to deny it, I'll hurt him. I know I will. Because if I don't love him now, I never will. And that's the way I've always been. The people that I love, I know from the beginning. Love at first sight, if you will... and if I have any initial reservations, whether it's a week, month, year or three years later, they prove to be the end of it. I'm being purely selfish. I enjoy the game and want what I can't have. The fact that I liked him, and he wouldn't let me have him, turned it into an exciting game for me, but now I realize that I don't really want to be his girlfriend... I was giving into my own loneliness and in my selfishness, was stringing him along. I'm resolving now, to leave him alone. It would be nothing but bad news for both of us if I gave into my own games.
N is seeing this other girl already, but that's how he is... like me. He floats from one to another in succession because like anyone out there, no one wants to be alone. It's so hard finding your soulmate that why would you punish yourself to be alone for all the years until you find them? The only rule that we both play by, is that it is ok to hang out/ go out/ sleep with other people as long as both parties are on the same page. That each knows where the other stands, and neither is more emotionally invested than the other. The moment emotions get involved, it's time to cut lose and move on. Not to leave a trail of broken hearts, but to prevent it.
And if you're curious about our weekend, nothing happened. There were no reignition of sparks, no innuendos, no flirty foreplay in the tents... it was as friends. Good friends. Friends that have not only known eachother for over a year, but someone who gets you and won't judge you, because they're just like you. We went hiking, roasted marshmellows, made fun of eachother, and at the end of the day, passed out in our own respective sleeping bags.
And that's the way it should be...
.. because we've always been on the same page.
..
No comments:
Post a Comment