What starts with F and ends with UCK...

... firetruck.


My application for food stamps was denied. It was because I didn't turn in any 'proof of residence' so they didn't have a home address for me. I got my rejection notification in the mail. <smacks forehead>

I swear I'm losing a battle to a nation of retards. Mediocrity has become the standard, and all the people that are bringing down the curve should have been thrown in the ocean at birth.

Just my opinion.

...


My computer at work crashed today. My hard drive with all my documents, research forms, data spreadsheets, thousands of patients' logged information, and even more thousands of hours worth of analyzed data and written manuscripts ready for publication submission wiped out...

At 4:47pm.

Thirteen firetrucking minutes before it was time to go home.

I was there til almost 7pm with IT trying to recover what I could.


...


And finally, what do I come home to?

A dead fish.

My fire engine red beta Brad has kicked the bucket.


...


Is it the weekend yet?







RIP Brad
...

Another romantic casualty...

Come visit me in New York baby... I miss you...

Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs.
The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chest
and I will forever, 'cause you'll forever be
my one true broken heart, pieces inside of me and you'll forever, my baby be.

Well, a weekend in New York... that would be nice.
I need to tell you something. I met someone in Paris and I've moved in with her. I've found some work as a real estate agent in a nice neighborhood and it sounds promising. It's a good situation I have here and I need to take advantage of it.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
your blue, blue world, you're my baby blue.

This girl is nice, but she's not you. I like her, but I'm not crazy in love...

Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.
Still, I know I gave my level best.
You give, you give, to this I can attest
You made me, you made me.
You and me forever, baby.

I still feel the same way about you, and I'm sure that one day we will be together again, but right now I need to focus on the opportunity I have here now. I need to make lots of money and get as much experience as I can if I want to become rich and take you around the world on our future boat. :)

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.

I will try to call you later this week. I miss you.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.

xoxo



...

spiraling...

I'm falling down again... and I'm not even trying to brace my fall.
Instead, I'm filling my voids with alcohol and sex.
When I get full or nauseous, I purge...
Then do it all over again.





...

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals...

I've been kinda agitated the last few days.

My residency applications went out on the first, and I've got nothing by rejections so far. Even my own hospital hasn't extended me a courtesy interview. The thought of not securing a residency a second year in a row makes me feel kinda panicked... makes me want to drink...

My phone has been on the fritz since I got back from camping. It's not charging properly and its dying within three hours... I've had it plugged in all day, and it never charged further than 40%. I stopped by the Verizon store to get it checked it out and they told me that they would have to test it for at least 2-4 hours which I just don't have time for today. Thennn... after I got home, I realized that I left the $40 charger that I just bought two weeks ago there. <smacks forehead>

I've been having a hard time concentrating at work... as much as I actually like doing the research, it's just the last place I want to be lately. The IRB office is being a royal nit-picky pain in my ass and since we've lost the medical student cavalry, we're having to do all the data mining for our thousands of patients ourselves... which makes me fall asleep, want to gouge my eyes out... and drink.

I'm getting antsy about starting the egg donation process. I'm already fudging the dates a little about the last shot of depo, but the recipients want to start the cycle in November so that they can retrieve the eggs in December, but before I can start, I need to get all the proper blood work and hormone testing done. Problem is, I haven't even gotten my period back yet.

I'm trying really hard to not revert back to leading E (and myself, for that matter) on... I'm not ready for a serious commitment, but I confess... I've been in need of company...  I've cut off K because he's started irritating me again, I just found out that my Jewish boy got herpes and is also having sex with other men (greeeaaattt... no), J is fun but just too far away in Bklyn... but all I want to do is shake off this funk I've been in with a nice dinner, lots of wine, and lots and lots of rough angry animal sex... and then more wine.

My room is a disaster. I have no floor anymore, just a never ending pattern of dispensed clothing all over the ground, the bed, the chair... I haven't let it get this bad since college, and it kinda makes me angry for an unknown reason. But I can't seem to find the motivation to clean it. I thought about it when I got home today, then instead, went to the kitchen, cracked open a beer and started watching Top Chef while blogging...

My roommate and I polished off several drinks and several bottles of wine yesterday with friends. I woke up miserably hungover this morning, and yet, all I want to do right now is start drinking again... ughh.... someone please come have hot animal sex with me.

Haha... <sighhh>



...

Camping and catching up...

I needed this weekend.

A break from work.
A break from emails.
A break from text messages (or stressing over a lack thereof..)
A break from life...

I went camping out in the Catskills with N and his family, and it was so much fun. They go every year, and N invited me last year when we were kinda fooling around, and when that stopped, despite our ongoing friendship, I was sure that that would be the first and last, but two weeks ago, he invited me along again, and I was so glad he did.

He had been studying for his boards for the last three months or so, so I really hadn't had a chance to see him very much lately. Plus, he was dating someone semi-seriously, and relationships take up a lot of time, so I was looking forward to hanging out with him again. He came and picked me up in his CR-V and we were off to the mountains...

During the two and a half hour drive up, we had a chance to catch up. Turns out he recently broke up with his girlfriend of almost a year, and she wasn't taking it very well. On top of that, he was already talking to another girl who had just moved into the area... we laughed it off, cause that's what we do, and just then, Taio Cruz's 'Break Ya Heart' came on the radio.

"This is our song" I said semi-jokingly.
"I guess it is." He replied.

But he was upset about the break up too. He said that the reason was because he didn't see it going anywhere. She didn't give him any reason to want to spend the rest of his life with just her. And to many of you, this may sound very callous and harsh, but I agree with him. Why continue to invest time and emotions into a relationship that you don't see working out? It's not that he didn't try, he did, he gave her a chance and explored the potential of a marriage... but he just didn't feel it. He didn't see the white picket fence with her in the future. But while he felt this way, he could tell that she was getting more and more attached. So he broke up with her... not with the intention of breaking her heart, but because he knew it would be easier to do it now, than to do it later. He didn't want to lead her on, he didn't want to be a bad guy... but that's just the way it turned out..

And it made me re-evaluate my situation with E. He's so afraid of getting hurt, and as much as I want to deny it, I'll hurt him. I know I will. Because if I don't love him now, I never will. And that's the way I've always been. The people that I love, I know from the beginning. Love at first sight, if you will... and if I have any initial reservations, whether it's a week, month, year or three years later, they prove to be the end of it. I'm being purely selfish. I enjoy the game and want what I can't have. The fact that I liked him, and he wouldn't let me have him, turned it into an exciting game for me, but now I realize that I don't really want to be his girlfriend... I was giving into my own loneliness and in my selfishness, was stringing him along. I'm resolving now, to leave him alone. It would be nothing but bad news for both of us if I gave into my own games.

N is seeing this other girl already, but that's how he is... like me. He floats from one to another in succession because like anyone out there, no one wants to be alone. It's so hard finding your soulmate that why would you punish yourself to be alone for all the years until you find them? The only rule that we both play by, is that it is ok to hang out/ go out/ sleep with other people as long as both parties are on the same page. That each knows where the other stands, and neither is more emotionally invested than the other. The moment emotions get involved, it's time to cut lose and move on. Not to leave a trail of broken hearts, but to prevent it.

And if you're curious about our weekend, nothing happened. There were no reignition of sparks, no innuendos, no flirty foreplay in the tents... it was as friends. Good friends. Friends that have not only known eachother for over a year, but someone who gets you and won't judge you, because they're just like you. We went hiking, roasted marshmellows, made fun of eachother, and at the end of the day, passed out in our own respective sleeping bags.




And that's the way it should be...

.. because we've always been on the same page.



..

Fear of Love

You're afraid of getting hurt.
I'm afraid to hurt others.
There's a reason people like us stay single.

But love is the one emotion that we have no control over.
Love has no guarantees.

But you demand certainty.
You want a promise that I cannot give
because I don't know if I can keep.

You refuse to budge until you're sure
and then you want to leap
praying that I'll catch you.

I prefer to take little steps
with one foot out the door
in case you try to hurt me first.

We're both so wrong.



...

A new chapter for them, the end of a long one for me...

I had another wedding this past weekend. A friend of a friend was getting hitched, so I got to tag along as a date. It was a simple city hall wedding, but lots of thier friends and family flew in for the dinner and reception afterwards which was being built up as the biggest party in Brooklyn.

These friends are all in the bar and restaurant industry. Some are wine and liquor distributors, others are bar owners and managers, and others are bartenders and waiters... so the party had all the elements that make for a successfully good time, all purchased at cost.

I had a great time meeting everyone and dancing like a fool, and eating and drinking at the open bar... but as the night progressed and the parents and children began to leave, and as the tipsy began to become drunk, the party started to take a turn...

I'm not a novice, and I knew that there would be the predictable amount of drugs on the scene, but I could almost pin point the moment that I noticed the guests were no longer partying for fun, and instead partying to keep on partying. This is a familiar scene from my past. My crazy college years, my experiences in the bar culture, and I've seen the highs, I've felt the lows, I've seen some of my closest friends and loved ones destroy their careers, lives, relationships and health due to drugs, and this is a lifestyle that I keep myself very distant from now.

I don't judge. I don't preach. I don't partake in the hypocrisy of 'do as I say and not as I did'. But before the clock struck twelve, I found my date and explained that I had to go. I told him to stay and have a fun time, it was his boy's wedding, but I just was no longer comfortable there. He understood. We exchanged kisses and goodbyes, and I left.

I left the wedding, I left the party, I left the drugs.
I never looked back.
I never even wanted to.




It's been a long road. But its over now. I've never been more relieved.



...

Break your heart...

E: "You think you and I could work?"


Now listen to me baby
Before I love and leave you
They call me heart breaker
I don't wanna deceive you

Me: "I think I'm not afraid. You're the first guy that I've really liked since moving to NYC. I don't enter relationships lightly. I know that a relationship with me is not easy. I can be distant, busy, and I only know where my life will take me one year at a time.. its a risk. A jump. A leap of faith... but I always hope. What else can I do?"

If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
Imma tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start.

Me: "If doesn't work out, it will be sad. But why destine something to failure before its begun? I'm not planning marriage and kids... lol, I just think if we want to take things one step at a time, we should. But one of us has to take that first step."

I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart. 
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart. 
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart. 


E: "I want it all though. Kids, marriage... you wanna be in love?"

Theres not point trying to hide it
No point trying to evade it
I know I got a problem
Problem with misbehavior

Me: "I want all those things one day, of course. But I can't promise any of those things just yet."

I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.

E: "I'm afraid of falling for you."

And I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
If you fall for me I'm only gonna tear you apart
Told ya from the start.

Me: "I would never intentionally hurt you. But if you feel you have to keep yourself distant, I understand. I like you, but I feel we've taken one step forward and two steps back lately... our defenses have kicked in, and we both have reasons for being the way we are. I won't make promises I can't keep, but I will always be honest with you."

I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.

E: "I miss you a lot."

Woah woah woah




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